Parents often notice something unsettling:
Girls as young as 7 or 8 making comments or taking actions that feel shockingly cruel — like excluding peers, saying hurtful things about appearance or weight, or threatening to end a friendship if someone doesn’t do what they want. For sensitive kids, these moments can feel devastating.
You’re not imagining it. Many clinicians, including myself, have seen this trend in children’s social worlds. But why does it feel worse today than it did in the 90s? And what can parents do to help their children navigate these painful experiences in ways that build confidence and emotional strength?
What Research Actually Says
Psychologists describe behavior like exclusion, gossip, and manipulative social control as relational aggression — a way some children use social relationships to assert power rather than solve conflict constructively.
Relational aggression has been studied for decades. Research shows that relational aggression can be identified even in early childhood, meaning these patterns don’t suddenly appear in later years. However, parents often notice it more in middle childhood, between ages 7 and 12, as it peaks and kids begin to care deeply about peer approval and social standing.
In many ways, relational aggression has always existed, but several cultural changes may be amplifying its effect for children today.
Why Friendships Are Harder for Girls Today
I often hear from parents that they do not recall their friendships creating a significant level of emotional distress when they were growing up. The question remains, why does it suddenly feel worse now? To understand why friendships are harder for girls today, it helps to look at how social dynamics have changed.
To start, children begin forming emotionally intense friendships at younger ages. Belonging becomes central to identity — even in elementary school. While that was equally true for majority of us that grew up in the 90s or before, our interests and access to adult content wasn’t the same as it is now, which brings me to my next point.
Conflict doesn’t stop at the school bell anymore. Text messaging, group chats, and social media allow exclusion, gossip, and humiliation to continue outside school walls at all hours of the day with many children having little control over what is said about them and to who or on what social media platform. Likewise, through technology, issues such as body image commentary, social comparison, beauty culture, and popularity hierarchies now reach children much earlier through online media. Furthermore, while social complexity has increased with technology and access, children’s emotion regulation, conflict resolution, and assertive communication skills are still developing. Because of that, social challenges can feel overwhelming.
Signs Friendships Are Harder for Girls Today
While some children are forthcoming about what they are experiencing at school, others don’t always say, “I’m being excluded.” Instead, they may show:
- Avoidance of school or social settings
- Frequent stomachaches or headaches before school
- Saying things like “Nobody wants to play with me”
- Becoming unusually quiet or withdrawn after school
- Talking often about a friend who controls the group
- Increased clinginess or irritability
These behaviors can be signs that a child is carrying emotional weight from their peer relationships.
So what can you say when your child is hurt by a friend? When kids come home upset about social hurt, it’s natural to want to fix the problem immediately. But children first need validation and understanding.
Try responses like:
“That sounds really hurtful.”
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“That must have felt awful in the moment.”
Instead of jumping to solutions right away, let your child feel heard. Once they feel understood, follow up with gentle questions like:
- “What do you think you want to do next?”
- “How did that make you feel about the friendship?”
- “What do you wish you could say to them?”
These conversations help children develop emotional insight and a sense of self‑agency — rather than feeling powerless.
Helping Kids Build Assertive Communication
Many kids either react emotionally or withdraw when they feel hurt. When we understand why friendships are harder for girls today, it becomes easier to support kids in navigating these challenges with confidence.Teaching simple, assertive communication can help kids express boundaries and communicate respectfully.
Example assertive statements kids can practice:
- “I don’t like when you talk about me like that.”
- “That hurt my feelings.”
- “Please stop.”
- “I’m going to play with someone else.”
Practicing these phrases at home in low‑stress situations helps them become easier to use in real conflict.
Understanding That Kids Have Choices in Friendships
One of the most powerful lessons a child can learn is that friendship is not something someone else owns. Despite a peer trying to assert control or how painful rejection feels, ultimately your child still has choices available to them.
Kids can be taught:
✔ They are allowed to choose who they spend time with
✔ It’s okay to say “no” to interactions that feel hurtful
✔ Healthy friendships are respectful — not coercive
This helps children avoid internalizing harmful interactions as reflections of their worth.
Final Thoughts
Friendships can be both beautiful and painful. When children encounter exclusion, manipulation, or hurtful behavior from peers, they may internalize those experiences and feel like they are the ones at fault.
They are not.
With support — especially around communication, boundaries, and self‑worth — these experiences can become chances for growth, resilience, and stronger future relationships.
At Center for Rising Minds, we help children and families develop tools for navigating social challenges, building confidence, and strengthening emotional skills. If your child is struggling with friendships or peer relationships, reach out for a free consultation to explore whether support might help.
